I have been going through alot of emotions since last week! Crazy thoughts, prementions, and weird dreams.
It all started a couple weeks ago when I decided to take the kids to pick blue berries. They were so excited! With each of them a stainless steal bowl in there hands we jumped into my car. I decided to head to my old boss Marilyn's house. She has been the first place I go whenever I want blueberries. I headed down hwy 34 and thought it would be easy to cut over that way since she lives done behind bryant park. I had no idea if I was going the right way but it looked good :) We were in no hurry anyways and Mason had pink eye so my options of going anywhere were slim. I found the fields and there was a huge sign that had said CLOSED FOR RIPPING.
I called Tiesha, she had told me earlier in the week she had picked some. There was another place on hwy 20. I head off that way and saw a sign for blueberries...so we stopped. They were only selling them not picking them. SO the kids load pack up in the car with there bright silver bowls. I said we are going to go up the road to another place to see if they have any there. This was the farm Tiesha told me about. Almost to Corvallis I see the sign and pull in. You pull around to the back of the field and there is another sign Closed for Ripping.
I told Melayna, "I'm sorry babe, I'm not sure we are going to pick anything today". She said mommy I saw a sign down the road you passed and it had blueberries on it." I said Davis farms? "Yeah down the road, can we please stop there"? I was willing to try anything at this point. I said ok, let's go check it out. We pull in and the the kids get out of the car. We walk around and I ask the employee there is the have anything for the kids to pick :) She said no...UGH!
We pile back into the car and at this point I just felt bad. I decided to go look on Independece Highway to see if they could at least put some blackberries in there bowls. I take a left off of hwy 20 to independence hwy. Right by the flashing yellow light and the railroad tracks I pull around to this old run down building. Sure enough the blackberries were not ready either. The kids in the back were fighting, my phone was ringing and I was just fustrated. I pull up to the flashing yellow light to take a left to head back home and there was a huge semi truck turning onto independence hwy. I went to take a left and for some reason....I tapped on my break. Right as I tapped on my break a huge full size truck came hauling around that huge semi truck. My heart just sank. I instantly said oh my god. Melayna in the back said what mommy, what? I just couldn't even talk. I have no idea why I tapped on my break? I didn't see the truck coming around the semi.
I thought about it the whole way home. I was so shakin by what just had happened. I kept thinking, I could be in the hospital right now or even dead. It would have hit my side and possibly hurt Mason too.
Later that evening I was sitting on my porch watching my sprinklers water the lawn. I thought I'm so thankful to be sitting here and not in a hospital bed. I kept thinking about the i.v's and all the pain and how my kids could've hurt. I was obsessing about how many things could've gone bad. I kept all these feeling to myself until this Saturday.
This Saturday Kevin and I sat down and told each other stuff that neither one of us knew. How is it that I have been with this man for so many years and not know about some of his feelings. It is sad that the both of us are bad about our feelings. He told me about people that he loved that have passed away, dreams, goals, and just really great memories he has had of the two of us together. I told him about that day and the blueberry fields and how I was so messed up because just for that second our lives could've been changed forever and how thankful I was to still be here. I told him I belive we all have a plan from god and it just wasn't my time to go. What scares me is when it is my time: did I love my childern as much as I could, did I tell everyone that I truly care about how I really feel, and most importantly will my kids and family be ok? He made me feel so secure about all my doubts. I just can express how much I truly love him. Just the word love doesn't say enough about how I feel for him. He can say he really completes me!
I keep having crazy dreams. I'm not sure if it is because of that day or even saturday but alot of emotions I haven't dealt with keep coming back to haunt me. The biggest thing I keep thinking about is my miscarriage. I have had dreams about my daughter that was never born. It's so weird but I can even remember her name. It's sad to think I'm missing out on one child.
